Holy Shit! ---Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I had big ideas for a large scale spleen venting here, but to do that I'd have to "relive" a lot of what's really making me feel like this.

It's death.

I just lost a maternal uncle, and I have an aunt (his sister) who's dying of breast cancer. Both of these folks are my mom's siblings and she's in really bad health herself. In fact she couldn't attend her brother's funeral because of her health. And probably the same with her sister, when that time comes.

Even closer to me however, is a woman I work with at my day job, really sweet lady, is dying from melonoma. The book-keeper at Tony's in dying of breast cancer. And then there's my really good friend Brad, who's been like an older brother/uncle. He's filled in for my dad several times over the last 20 years since my dad died. Ironically enough my dad died from brain cancer, same as Brad is currently fighting.

They moved him to a hospice Tuesday for what was supposed to be 2 weeks to a month, and then yesterday he was diagnosed with pneumonia, which now means he has maybe half of that. In the meantime, I've been out of town for work, my car's been fucking up, I broke my toe. I'm about to the point where I don't know...I was nearly laughing last week...this week...

I just don't know. I need a nap, a laugh...but not a drink. As odd is that is for me to say. I can't...I can't have a couple when I feel like this. I need 30, and then when I wake up...I need 30 more. So I guess I'll have to go it sober until such time that I can deal, not obliterate.

Smoking however....that helps...