A lot of emotion that needs to be dumped

So Memorial day weekend has come and gone; and I'm left feeling like I'm going to explode. I had a pretty good weekend, but I think with the memorial thing for Brad this weekend, I've just started thinking about everyone I've lost in the last year, and how those wounds aren't really healing, they're still huge empty spots in my life that haven't been filled, or rather re-filled. I was filling those places up with booze, but had to knock that off. I've been good about that, and have been trying to get through all of this crap. But I just feel adrift.

Pitching to and fro in the savage froth of life's ocean, hoping to see a place to put in for the night, or hell, a fortnight. I guess, and this comes after a couple of days of introspection, like a refugee tied to a door and trying to float across a gulf in search of a better life, or the one I knew. But I know that's not going to happen. My closest friends (my family now) are pretty occupied with their lives, which is good, I wish I was, but I just didn't feel so damn alone right now. Obviously getting back to the losses in my life. I didn't mean for this to sound so pathetic, but it does so I'm going with it.

So here's a little personal Memorial Day roll call for me:

My Uncle Richard, died a little over a year ago now. He was the first to really kind of step in after my dad died and took over some of those duties until I was able to go back to college.

My cousin Dusty, died even though I didn't know him that much at the end of his life, he was my older cousin's son, and the closest thing I ever had, or probably ever will have to a nephew. he got a real raw deal in life, and I wish I could have done more, had I known...I like to think I could have helped.

My good friend Brad Neill, he was the guy in many ways I wished my dad had been. He filled in nicely for him and a more loyal friend you'd never find. He was also my boss at Tony's for years and although we'd argue all the time, the next time we'd see each other, that was gone, it was on to new and better disagreements or to combine forces on someone else. Brad died a year ago last weekend. Brad, I miss you everyday.

Friend, boss, mentor, Bob Pitts. He was good friends with Brad, my boss at COAD and a very good friend and allay of mine. Bob dedicated his life to trying to eliminate as much as possible poverty and it's effects from the area. A job that can never be done, but at least he tried. And accomplished an fuck load. Bob could seperate the wheat from the chaff in a sentence or two. I'd give anything for this man's instincts. Bubba, I miss you terribly, COAD is the worse for your loss, but hopefully we can carry on your work.

My friend and collegue Deby Vincent, Spolrich Sullivan. Deby was one of the first Tony's employees and I'm one of the few old enough, and still around to remember when she was a bartender. She moved on to doing the books soon after I started bartending. One of the folks I'd known longest in Athens. I do miss Deby, although she fought such a long battle with cancer, no one really saw her too much the last couple of years.

The big one, at least for me, was my Mom, who died Labor day weekend, capping the summer from hell that was 2006. This one I actually never expect to fully recover from, but if I don't I'll feel like I failed her. There has not been one day I haven't missed her since, and only a handful that I haven't cried because of the loss of her from my life.

I can't help it, I still hurt, and the the ache is there too; twice the pain, half the life. There's a really good chance I'll be falling off the wagon tonight.

Yeah, I guess I'm weak. Big news.